mamas need photos too

I don’t have a ton of photos of myself, especially with the kids. I take thousands of my children, and tons of cute pics of my hubby with the kids. But when I scroll back through the photos, there are only a handful of photos with me in them.

Part of the reason is that Scott doesn’t take pictures often. And that’s okay, we are totally different people! When the kids do something cute, he will sit and watch them and enjoy the moment. And I’ll run for my camera so we can capture the memory! (Perhaps we need to balance both of those! )

But a huge piece for be reason there aren’t many photos of me from the last few years is that I’m just not comfortable seeing photos of myself. And often when someone has taken pictures for me, I’ll just delete them right away.

Having kids changed everything about my body, and I didn’t “bounce back” the way other women seem to after pregnancy. Postpartum was really hard for me both times, and while I have always tried to excercise and eat decently, through those times getting through the day and keeping the tiny humans alive and thriving is the priority and main thing I can handle.

I used to be super tiny, and that was the all consuming thing for me for several years. Every time I weighed myself I wanted more “progress.” And sometimes I can feel myself slipping back into that mental space, where my weight is the only thing that matters, and the desire to be skinny enough is consuming. But then I remember what it took to be in that place. There was two years straight where I only ate one meal a day, and skipped that when I could. I had constant headaches, and very low energy. The price for “skinny enough” was feeling awful constantly. Not to mention the mental space it takes to be there, tormenting yourself every time you look in the mirror or eat a piece of food.

Its never skinny enough, is it? It’s always 2 more pounds, or when my tummy is a little flatter.

Flash forward 4+ years later. I had 2 babies in 2 years, and I eat like a normal person now. I have some leftover baby weight (from both of them, honestly.) And while I do struggle with that on a daily basis, (because it is a constant battle in my mind!) I also recognize that being skinny does not determine my worth, and I am not going to ever let it take over my life again. I am working my booty off right now to get back in shape. But now it’s not just about the weight goal, its having energy, and being healthy.

So I am going to ask for more photos with my kids. I want to look back and be a part of those memories! They won’t care that my stomach isn’t as flat as it used to be, or that my arms aren’t toned. They just care that I am there!